Monday, April 27, 2015

The Parable of the Persistent Toddler

God has entrusted me with a toddler. 
I speak only for myself when I say that I'm convinced no toddler is created equally in terms of personality. I'm consistently mentioning to Jason "Dawson never even thought of doing something like that when he was Evan's age". 
That being said...
Recently, I was reading the parable of the persistent widow in the book of Luke and I couldn't help but inserting myself into the well worn shoes of the judge in the story. Evan very quickly became the persistent widow.
I had to make a few changes to the parable, in order for it to fit my unique situation, for obvious reasons, since the parable is given to teach the disciples to never give up on prayer. If Evan would only apply that principal to his own life when he is grown, God will give that boy everything.he.asks.for.
I present to you:
The Parable of the Persistent Toddler
Joy told them a story showing that her toddler managed to get anything he asked for.  She said, “There was once a mom in Colorado Springs who never gave a second thought to the various whims of children. A toddler in that city kept after her: ‘I want a piece of gum!’
The mom never gave the toddler the time of day. But after this went on and on the mom said to herself, ‘I care nothing what other mom's think. But because this toddler won’t quit badgering me, I’d better do something and see that he gets a piece of gum—otherwise I’m going to end up locked in the bathroom with no hope for escape while the toddler pounds at the door.’”

I would like to add, that I do attempt a compromise with Evan. Where I tear the piece of gum in half and offer him only half of the gum. But oh no. This will NOT do. A half of a piece?! Where is the justice?! What toddler can live on a half a piece of gum alone?! 
I WANT A BIG PIECE MOMMY!!! PWEASE!!
Fine. Here's your big piece. Go lay down. For 10 hours.
Thank you mommy.
Yes. This is what I'm dealing with here:
To be clear, it's not just gum. Included in his arsenal, but not limited to, we have:
*The ipad
*Garbage truck videos on my phone
*candy
*juice
I draw the line when he asks for money. I give him the credit card because I never have cash.
So that there is no misunderstanding that I'm absolutely not trying to downplay the parable of the persistent widow (because it is a great parable and one with much meaning), I'm leaving you with the verse in it's entirety.

Luke 18:1-8The Message (MSG)

Jesus told them a story showing that it was necessary for them to pray consistently and never quit. He said, “There was once a judge in some city who never gave God a thought and cared nothing for people. A widow in that city kept after him: ‘My rights are being violated. Protect me!’
4-5 “He never gave her the time of day. But after this went on and on he said to himself, ‘I care nothing what God thinks, even less what people think. But because this widow won’t quit badgering me, I’d better do something and see that she gets justice—otherwise I’m going to end up beaten black-and-blue by her pounding.’”

6-8 Then the Master said, “Do you hear what that judge, corrupt as he is, is saying? So what makes you think God won’t step in and work justice for his chosen people, who continue to cry out for help? Won’t he stick up for them? I assure you, he will. He will not drag his feet. But how much of that kind of persistent faith will the Son of Man find on the earth when he returns

Thursday, March 26, 2015

The Artist

Dawson comes from a long line of artisans. 
Wait. 
Does that mean I'm saying he came from a long line of bread? Because he didn't come from a long line of bread. I know that there is Artisan bread though. But he came from artistic ancestors. Artisan Ancestors. 
I'm pretty sure I should open an art gallery and name it Artisan Ancestors. But, then the gallery would have to display pictures of people that look like bread.
Dawson has always loved to draw. Jason, Jason's dad, and his grandma can all draw.
A month or so ago, Dawson sat down and began drawing the cover to the new Transformer's movie: 
A few months ago he drew Whispering Death (from How to Train Your Dragon). 
If you're reading this and you're pregnant right now, I strongly encourage you to name your child "Whispering Death".
So that no one can claim that I claim favorites, I introduce to you Evan's Art:
He painted this right after his Aunt Bobbie called him to sing him Happy Birthday. So when the painting was complete he told me he wanted to give it to Aunt Bobbie. I said "Oh, Okay, what is the picture"? And he said "It's Mountains"!
Dear Aunt Bobbie, I never sent you this picture. Please frame your laptop and hang it on the wall while it displays this blog post. Thank you.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Choosing the Right Glasses for You: A Tutorial.

I've had glasses since 3rd grade.
Fashionable glasses, I might add.
Only a girl with a mullet and buck teeth can pull off that kind of style.
Of course, when the option to choose a different color became available, I felt the world was at my fingertips. I was confident enough to perform flower girl duties in weddings with ease. 
 
 Naturally, I inherited this from my mother.
Dawson recently busted his glasses for the umpteenth time. In my attempt to salvage them, I put superglue on the break and the glue ran down onto the frames. I tried to get the super glue off the lenses before it dried and the paper towel stuck to the glue, stuck to the lenses. Ever an optimist, I googled how to remove superglue from plastic lenses, and google said to use fingernail polish remover. (Some other dummy has done the same thing!)   The fingernail polish remover took care of the paper towel!  Score. But the glue remained. 
Thankfully, we have a warranty on Dawson's glasses, so we went to pick up the new pair and this gave Evan the idea that he would look suave in glasses. 
I agree, don't you?
For those of you who need advice on the best frames to fit your style, pay close attention to Evan. The difference is all in the face you're making.
 
Large frames with a glare and somewhat puckered lips look great paired with messy hair.

Square frames that have a purplish/blue hue will turn any frown into a smile.
I would like to take this time to also mention that Jason stopped me from throwing away the cracked, super glued pair of glasses because "Dawson needs a backup pair". 

Friday, February 27, 2015

The Birthday Blog

My mom, my sister Bobbie, Dawson and Evan all have birthdays in the month of February. If my mom or my sister had asked my permission before being born, I'd have suggested an August and September date for them to be sure. Spacial Birthday Planning. 
In honor of their birthdays, here is a picture of me and my mom:
And me and Bobbie:
Dawson asked to do Laser tag this year. Of course, you should all remember that I came in first in a game in Laser tag on a staff retreat one year. "Roxstar".
So, we celebrated his 9th year of life at the Brunswick Zone with 3 of his buddies.
They had the entire laser tag arena to themselves. Is it an arena? What is it? 
 And they were able to play games in the arcade area. Personally, I prefer the game where you sit at the table and check Facebook on your phone. 
Before the party came to an end, Jason gave Evan a Sour Head candy.
 We had a combined party for Dawson and Evan at our house just a few days later.
Look at this cute raspberry filled cake I didn't make. I'll bet you thought it was Godiva Chocolate creme filled. 
I'd like to bring your attention to the way Evan blows out candles:
Is anyone else as annoyed by their own voice on video as I am by mine? I guess I can never be famous. Unless I write a book.
Birthdays bring out the best in siblings. For an hour or two.
 Jason and I took Evan to Chuck E. Cheese for his birthday yesterday while Dawson was at school. Of course, we stopped and had pizza at Old Chicago beforehand. We have standards.
Prior to leaving for Chuck E. Cheese, we gave Evan a birthday present. It was a plethora of noise makers, including a kazoo:
Jason has determined that the ceiling at Old Chicago looks like a church basement.
 I forgot my Clorox wipes, so I made Evan wear a hazmat suit to play games. Okay. I also forgot his hazmat suit.
I'll confess that I scoured the room looking for games that had tickets kids left behind and I took them. The ticket muncher never figured it out.
Slowest.Ride.Ever:
 There is a video of Dawson riding this same thing at the same Germ E. Cheese several years go. 
I'd say his equestrian skills were developed here. Thanks Chuck.
As birthdays go, next year I think we should do a Caribbean Cruise. And I can check Facebook in the lounge while they open presents.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

The Christmas Scam

I'm super excited because I received another scam email yesterday at work.  This one will really tug on your heart strings.
I took no small delay in forming my reply. 
I accidentally cut off the remainder of my email but I said -and I quote:
 "I look forward to hearing from you soon!" End quote
Then I hit SEND.
And it was fun. Yay!
I love a good scam.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Happy New Year!

Only the 6th day of the new year and I need a break. Or maybe a coffee mug that says "You're My Favorite". 
For the past 2 weeks, Dawson has been working endlessly on a stop motion film. When I say "Dawson has" I actually mean "Joy has" because as a result of this new-found fascination, I have labored long hours in a movie editing system to make his dream come true. Which actually turned Dawson into a Director Diva of sorts.. .making demands of me that couldn't be fulfilled like, "Mommy! I didn't say I wanted music at that part!"
One day Dawson had the idea to take his Transformer toy and take 100 pictures of it on the iPad while making the toy transform. When Jason used the iPad one day he saw that the data on it was maxed out and realized that Dawson had been taking hundreds of pictures on it... not realizing that Dawson had been using it to make a stop motion video. The pictures were erased and Dawson was devastated.
In order to make amends, Jason let Dawson use our Canon camera to take new pictures. I was a bit concerned, not really because it's an expensive camera.. but because the thing holds 5,000 photos and I didn't want to watch that many pictures flash across the screen in one sitting. Selfish. I know.
Dawson got the Optimus Prime Transformer he wanted for Christmas so he set to work making a stop motion film using his Transformers and his Emmet Lego guy (a lego set he got based on the Lego Movie). When he was finished, he asked if his pictures could be made into a video, and would you believe I found out that I have a video editing software on my laptop? 
I was able to upload all of Dawson's pictures to the software and out pooped (ha! accidentally typed "pooped" instead of "popped" but I think it's funny. so I'm not correcting it) this video. Then 30 million hours later I figured out how to add sound and let him do some of his own sound effects. 
Mostly, the video might not make sense. (just keeping it real). But I did my best to let Dawson keep it the way he wanted and only corrected a few things. 
Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you:
Transformers: Age of Emmet Extinction
Editors Note** the movie is 5 minutes long

Monday, December 29, 2014

Tis the Season to Be Jolly: Christmas 2014

To inaugurate the season, we took the boys to see Christmas lights. That sentence reeks with boredom. But using the word "inaugurate", really spices things up.
There's a house near ours that decorates and the lights are set to music. 101.9 FM to be exact. Evan was very sick and we had no idea how sick he was until we got home and he kept us me up 3 days straight coughing. Jason left for a business trip. I don't know why he doesn't take Evan with him. 
 On the eve of Christmas Eve, we let the boys have a camp out in our room. Really, it wasn't camping, but sleeping on the floor. But I can call it camping so I just did.
I began to think Christmas was never.going.to.come. this year. Mostly because everyday since Thanksgiving, Dawson spoke to me about Christmas gifts and what he wanted and made suggestions as to where we should shop. To say he was looking forward to Christmas would be an understatement.
Jason took this picture on his phone on Christmas morning. I thought it turned out rather spectacular. The tree is up so high off the ground, it made me feel like we should have purchased only gifts that were 4 foot tall or taller. 
 This picture is the one he took on our Canon camera. Those are my pink pajama clad knees. That's where I sit in the morning to read my bible. I must say, reading your bible by a lit Christmas tree that is covered in "Joy" ornaments adds a whole new dimension to devotions.
 I begged the boys to let us a take a picture of them coming down the stairs that morning. I also had to threaten the elimination of one gift per minute that they didn't cooperate.
 Stockings first. To supersede this tradition would diminish Christmas. I totally just used the word supersede correctly in a sentence.
 Jason forced me to take part in a pre-shower Christmas picture, resulting in stringy hair and the color pink. Aunt Bev, I accept your apology. There are more where this came from.
 Time to open presents!
 Dawson's theme this year was Transformers. He watches Transformers 4 on repeat. That being said, he had a bit of a pout session up in his room when Christmas was over because I apparently ordered the wrong "Slug" and "Scorn" transformers. The one's I purchased were for ages 5+ and changed in only 8 steps. God forbid!
 The Optimus Prime Transformer we bought him was the "Red Ryder BB Gun with compass and a stock and this thing which tells time". The very toy he pleaded, begged, and all around wouldn't stop talking about for one month straight. 
 Evan is obsessed with trash and garbage trucks. As a matter of fact, he's currently sitting at the kitchen island watching garbage trucks on youtube using my phone. No lie. He recently made his aunt Nessa let him watch the same thing on her phone when she babysat a couple of weeks ago. 
I'll confess, Jason and I were a tiny bit ecstatic when we found this one at TJ Maxx. And now that I've mentioned them by name in a public forum, I'm fully expecting a $500 gift card to arrive in the mail from them saying how much they appreciate me.
 Once the presents are all opened and equally admired, we force the children through our usual routine of Christmas pictures: 
Construction equipment brought to you courtesy of Evan's Excavation business.
 Of course, I spend hours on my hair.
 For whatever reason, I was in the mood for sepia. I'm not on any depression medication or anything, so my moods are subject to change without notification.
 Jason is very photogenic. If I were as photogenic as he is, I probably wouldn't feel the need to color, cut or otherwise maim my hair on a regular basis.
 Good-bye Christmas. 
Happy New Year!